Archive for category Bad Metal

Insane Clown Posse: ‘Piggy Pie’

I was originally going to run this in Halloween Week, but then I realised that by featuring an act as god-awful as Insane Clown Posse before Halloween might actually result in some kind of karmic retribution, and some freak force of nature, like a spontaneous country-wide hurricane, might manifest in order to ruin the night for everyone.

Okay, I’ll admit it – I have a degree of guilty-pleasure when it comes to old ICP – today’s track, ‘Piggy Pie’ is off the almost-tolerable The Great Milenko, although the version in the video is from the Forgotten Freshness Vol.2 rarities collection (which have subsequently reached Volume 4 – I told you they were a guilty pleasure…) I even went and saw them play live when they last toured the UK, way back in 2003. They played such a brief set there was still time to go the Bull and Gate afterwards and drink for an hour before last orders. ICP had spent the entire gig throwing as much ‘Faygo’ (ie, panda pops) into the crowd that by now our clothes had dried hard and sticky with all the processed sugar. When I stood up I tore half the fabric of the pub chair off as it was stuck to my back.

Yes, I know ICP aren’t a proper metal band – although they happily rode the nu-metal wagon while it lasted, adding limp-wristed dead-fish flaccid rock riffs to their increasingly embarassing vocals. Yes, I know they are shit – Blender magazine called them The Worst Act In Music History – but that’s half the point of writing about them. Their success in the face of their sheer total and utter crapness is truly something to behold.

I even found a video version with rap-along subtitles. Yeah, I’m too good to you.

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Five Finger Death Punch: ‘The Way Of The Fist’

I got very exicted by the initial announcement for Metal Hammer’s Defenders of the The Faith II tour. Dimmu Borgir and Lamb of God on the same bill? Yes, we very much would like that please. What we weren’t so sure about was the first support act announced, LA’s Five Finger Death Punch. They’ve passed by my personal  metal-radar, so I off I went to their MySpace page for a bit of investigation.

Oh dear. Embarassing, isn’t it?

It’s like someone took all the worst bits of nu-metal (overly macho posturing, sub-Corey Taylor barks, cringeworthy lyrics stuffed to the guts with clichés) and the worse bits of scene-metalcore (random clean-singing, unimaginative and hackneyed solos, breakdowns lacking any real crunch) and combined them into one of the most uninspired belch of generic metal possible. These boys make Disturbed (almost) seen credible.

I was praying for a glimmer of something to elevate this – two members of the band used to be in W.A.S.P, so I was hoping at least for some OTT stupidity in some form or another – but there’s nothing. Five Finger Death Punch are exceptional only in their capacity to be unexceptional in every way. At least they’ll give us (and everyone else) a chance to go to the bar during Defenders of the Faith.

“Step to me, step to me motherfucker / zip your lip, you’ve run out of time.

Step to me, step to me motherfucker / Talk the talk, now walk the damn line”

Actually: please just fuck off.

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